Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Long drives cause this.

I HATE LONG DRIVES ALONE!!!!!! I need an audiobook, too much silence and radio makes me think too much. There is way too much I don't want to think about.

It's been two months now and I can't shake it .....Her. I was so stupid almost three years ago, and I am paying for it so much now. The first year was the worst year I've ever had, hands down by far. The only highlights that year was whenever I was allowed to pretend I was happy again and not an idiot. Those moments were far, few between, and couldn't have been shorter.

Fast forward to year two and I have almost not a single happy memory save Sunday mornings at church. This ended in me doing what I do best, messing up something good. BUT THEN, everything turned around, I saw myself smile at the past that seemed to mold itself into the future. I believe they call it dreaming. Because I was forced against my will to wake up and return to a third year of paying for my single largest mistake.
I now face a life of constant anguish, there is a room I refuse to complete for fear of memories....nightmares. I remember very few things well, but I could paint my bedroom inch by inch how it appeared on a cold January morning in 2007. I do not think I will ever shower in my old shower again for fear of what I may walk out to.....yet again an empty room with proof of my stupidity laying lifelessly on the floor in front of a black couch where my ignorance came full circle.

So now I find myself in a life where I know that true happiness is in the smile that haunts my ever waking dream with it's warm yet taunting stare. My heart is confined in an eternal prison that only
let's the occasional dim Ray of light heat the lonely air around it. And my mind only rests and finds ease in the memory of what was and races away at the thought of what will never be.

 At this I keep myself closed from those that want more. It's not fair to give or show a heart that is still no mine to present. When an hour goes by that I do not think of the blue eyes that I always feel
peering in my heart, mind, and dreams, only then will I maybe be able to move forward with the life that once was mine.

The only problem is I still do not want that to ever happen.